We have lived in our house for 13 years and counting.
Our neighborhood, neighbors, and surroundings have shifted several times and have drastically changed over all of these years…just like we have.
My babies were just tiny littles when we moved in, and now they are both teenagers.
This is the only home our pups have ever known.
All of my siblings have lived here, and shared our home with us at different times.
Many friends from various seasons have come over to share meals and stories. They have played games, helped with projects and have even come to grieve, cry and be comforted here.
Countless amazing memories have been made while we’ve lived here, as well as our share of hard times.
One thing that has stayed the same all along has been my little lake view down the road.
I have stopped in this same exact spot (or have intentionally walked down to this spot) to capture MANY sunrise and sunset pics over the years.
There have been times that this view and little piece of land has been my only connection to nature and peace in the moments of chaos that I’ve needed it most.
A place for me to go and be alone, to write, or cry, or just just appreciate the clouds and the sky and take a little moment for myself.
All last month we had terrible smoke that had been trapped in Reno from a forest fire that was burning in California that made everything here look and smell dark and dreary for weeks.
So, when I drove by my spot a few weeks ago and saw how foggy and deserted it looked with all the heavy smoke, I felt like it was representing how I have also been feeling lately…and thought how beautiful it is that nature has a way of mirroring back to us on the outside…the many shades and seasons of change we are feeling on the inside.
I thought of all of the different phases I have been in as I have lived here while capturing the different phases of this same old view, and how it all seems weirdly special and oddly connected somehow?
Today, as I drove home after work I noticed that fall is now in FULL swing and that all of the smoke that we were struggling with is long gone now until next fire season.
The air is cooler and crisp, and things feel like they are FINALLY clearing out…only to reveal the construction that has begun to rapidly clear out this area almost overnight to become some kind of new apartment complex or something.
Of course, I got out and took a pic because, first off…I am dramatic AFFFF.
Also, because I honestly wouldn’t doubt if this might just be the last time I would have an opportunity before it’s all bulldozed away, with new buildings and structures starting to form and take shape.
I was so sad.
Turns out what when I thought was just being a crippling “sentimental and nostalgic” person this whole time…it was really just me struggling with change and letting go…and I basically hate it and resist it as long as possible.
I fight it tooth and nail till the bitter end.
I am loyal TO THE SOIL.
Which to an extreme (which I have been guilty of ) can prove to be quite toxic, apparently.
So, I sat there grieving the loss of this little random “beach”, and cursing those “who just can’t leave things alone!” and wishing that the good and special things in life could last just a little longer…and I realized it’s not just this view I’m grieving.
It never is, is it?
Here goes Mother Nature mirroring back to me what I am REALLY feeling on the inside.
The truth is, the past few months have been HARD.
Resisting change while also actively pursuing acceptance feels like crap.
Even though I have had many exciting events and opportunities , I have also been having to do some hard inner work and finally lay some things in my life down to die.
Old habits, beliefs, relationships and identities I have clung to have all had to go.
I’ve reached a place where I can no longer continue to be able to tolerate the things that aren’t best for me anymore…even when that includes disappointing people and letting them down.
Even when that means ghosting everyone for months and struggling to be social as I find a new way of navigating through this life without putting everyone else’s needs and concerns above my own.
Even when that means I have had to walk away and decide to choose myself and stop waiting around for those certain apologies or reconciliations I’ve been secretly holding out for.
Having to accept that all I’ve really been doing is holding myself back while waiting for validation to somehow show up outside of myself…when I know better.
My pride and ego has been as stubborn and defiant as the wildfires and smoke that roll in and blanket over everything at the end of every summer.
The old me that has seen and sustained so many seasons in a certain way, has been called to transform.
To be uprooted, bulldozed and leveled out in preparation for something new to be built.
With these old constructs burning to the ground all around me, I find it harder and harder to resist the changes that have come for me…even though I’m the one that’s called them in.
I’m not sure what the heck they are building here yet, but I know that I have a choice.
I can continue to be bitter about losing my old faithful view…or practice being grateful for the many years I’ve had to enjoy it.
And I will wait with great expectancy to see what new thing will soon pop up ahead.
I can feel it coming.
